The Accidental Adventures of Harry Potter: The Methods of Madness
by Thisisaprettylongusername
Summary: What if the prophecy was *ahem* tweaked a bit, Harry's IQ was slightly higher, and people reacted accordingly to being a magical world? This is book one, just a prologue really. Book 2 is "The Quite Interesting Year."
1. The Prophecy

_**"The one who has the power to defeat the Dark Lord was born as the seventh month died. He will be known as the one who has much hair, to his friends, to his enemies, the maker of pots. "**_

"What do you think you're doing, spying on my customers?! I once thought better of you, Snape, but it seems Slytherins are dirty snakes after all, or at least you are."

"But-"

"OUT!"

"I guess I'll go, then-"

"I SAID OUT! Stay out, or I'll show you how I can be persuasive."

* * *

"Severus, you have done well. However, if I didn't know you as well as I do, I would think this was a not-so-elaborate scheme to trick me. Really? The maker of pots?"

Lucius Malfoy then injected, "I am sorry, my lord, for interrupting, but do you think 'the one who has much hair' and 'the maker of pots' mean Harry Potter?"

Severus looked a little sheepish. "Oh. I didn't think of that."

Voldemort contemplated this new addition to the information. "It makes sense. Well done, my faithful servants."

Severus paused to think about it. ' _What have I done? I can't let Lily be hurt, or killed._ '

"May I ask, that you spare Lily, if possible?"

Voldemort considered it. "I suppose, if she does not resist me approaching the boy, it could be arranged."

Severus sighed in relief. ' _Let's hope she doesn't try to protect him._ '

The absurdity of asking the world's current most evil homicidal/genocidal maniac not to kill someone had not sunk in, nor would it for a long time.

* * *

Meanwhile, at the Hog's Head:

 _ **"-He will pass a series of trials, after ten years of exile. The Dark Lord will mark the child, and in attempting to destroy his foe, will strengthen him instead. The Dark Lord's great power shall be his greatest weakness, and his strength his undoing. The One and One shall survive while there is still Two, and the One shall continue to be One and Two and Three and Many. The Two shall help the One and One and the Three will help the One and One and Two. The Two will survive while there is still Three."**_

Albus sat open-mouthed, astonished. All he wanted was to interview Sybil Trelawney for a job, and now this happens?

"I must have dozed off there for a second. Maybe I shouldn't be carrying my soporific incense around with me. What did I miss?"

Albus kept staring.

"What?" She looked around. "Did someone die?"


	2. The Execution

Chapter 2: The Execution

The day after Severus informed his master of the prophecy, Voldemort took it upon himself to go kill the Potter child. Having the Potters's friend and Secret-Keeper as one of his Death Eaters made it extremely convenient to plan the execution for the next day.

So, he went, classic intimidating villain style (black cloak, with a hood shadowing over his face), to Godric's Hollow, where Wormtail had revealed the Potter hiding place to be. Some friend he must be, to reveal their secret so fast.

He politely knocked on the door. It would add to the element of surprise to start polite. If you knock down the door, that takes time, and lets them prepare, but if your target lets you in, well, that takes care of the problem of finding them.

James Potter opened it. "Sirius! Did you get the Firewhiskey? Wait! You aren't Sirius! How did you get here? Who are you?"

"Hello, James. I am Lord Voldemort. Perhaps you've heard of me?" Voldemort said, pulling back his hood. "Ahh, that's better. Now I can see. That hood really ruins my peripheral vision."

James's eyes sprang open as wide as dinner plates. Not literally, of course, because that would be horrifying to look at and need surgery to fix.

"Lily! Run! You-know-who's here! Get Harry! I'll hold him off!"

Meanwhile, upstairs, Lily was panicking. She ran from her bedroom to the one next to it where Harry Potter, her son, was. As she got there, for just a flicker, for a fraction of a second, she thought she saw someone who could only have been 14 or 15ish casting a spell on Harry. However, the only thing after that that was strange was the odd disturbance of the air, like someone waved a large one of those large hand fans at her. There was no time for nonsense like worrying about that now, she had to get Harry out.

Voldemort smirked, as he thought James's comment about holding him off amusing. "Hold me off? Well, I suppose we should duel then. Don't want to keep the lady waiting, do we?"

"All right then," James said. He promptly produced his wand with a flourish. He began by transfiguring the door into steel, then making it slam in Voldemort's face. However, the Dark Lord Voldemort was having none of that, so he blasted it into the house and stepped in. Fortunately for James, the hinges attempted to keep doing their job, a futile effort, but the door did swing off to the side before it went flying, and thus missed James. He began to retaliate by raising the floorboards up to attack Voldemort, but as he looked up to aim where they would strike, behind his target he saw-

"Avada Kedavra!" Voldemort said loudly. Maybe it was just his imagination, but James seemed to almost flicker in place. It was probably just because of the lights, which had gone on strike once the fighting began, due to the high levels of magic in the air. They valiantly attempted to turn themselves back on, but only succeeded in making a slight dim flicker. Strange, to have Muggle lights in a wizard's house. Though, James did marry a Muggle-born witch, so that was most likely the reason.

Lily was panicking. She heard the Killing Curse, and the house had no upstairs exit, nor any windows big enough to safely go through.

Voldemort stepped over the dead Potter, and went upstairs.

"Lily, I presume? It's a pleasure to meet you. Though you might be dead by the end of our meeting here."

She screamed in shock.

"Ah, I see you recognize me. James did not, so he had to be dealt with."

"Don't kill Harry! Take me instead! Spare him!"

"What a pity. You had a chance to live, and yet you put someone else ahead. Is this what love gives you? Severus will not be pleased. Avada Kedavra."

Again, Voldemort had the odd sensation of seeing her seem to flicker, too. He dismissed it again, as only an arrogant Dark Lord could.

She collapsed to the floor too. Harry cried, alerting Voldemort as to his location. It's not like that was intentional, he was only a little over a year old.

"So _this_ is the one that is supposed to be able to defeat me. Hmm. You don't look very intimidating. Boo!"

Harry, thinking Voldemort was some kind of clown do to his unusually white skin, or one of his "uncles" playing with him in some kind of costume, laughed.

"Children these days have no respect for power." He put his wand to the boy's forehead. "Avada Kedavra."

It hit Harry right on the left side of his forehead. Then, it bounced off him, directly at Voldemort's heart, if he had one, instead.

"What the-" Voldemort said in shock just before the green light hit him. This was _not_ going according to plan. He exploded, blowing a huge hole in the roof, knocking down a few walls, and not leaving a whole lot other than rubble. The floor they were on fell down, but Harry's crib was intact, and as Voldemort left no roof above him, the little boy was safe from falling rubble.

* * *

Molly Weasley put her daughter in her crib, and was about to turn off the lights when for just a tiny flicker, there was a boy, probably mid-teens, leaning over the crib and seemingly casting a spell, as he had a wand out. However, there was no one there, just an odd little breeze. She checked Ginny, and there was nothing different.

She walked downstairs to the kitchen, where Arthur Weasley was, and as soon as she got there, Ginny started crying. Both parents ran upstairs, but she didn't stop for a few seconds. Then she went right to sleep.

Molly looked at Arthur. "What happened?"

"I don't know. She seems fine now."

* * *

The next morning, the newspaper called the Daily Prophet had its sales rise a very large amount, which, in later years, contribute to it being much more well-known than the magazine The Quibbler.

"Molly, do you see this?"

HARRY POTTER, THE BOY WHO LIVED, DEFEATS YOU-KNOW-WHO

"The boy who lived? What is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"It says that Harry Potter somehow survived a Killing Curse from You-Know-Who himself, with only a scar, and he died instead of Harry."

"Wait, do you see the time they said it happened? About 7 at night?"

"Yeah, but what does that have to do with anything?"

"That's the time Ginny was crying. I wonder if it's related at all. Maybe there was some kind of magical shockwave from surviving the Killing Curse. She could be sensitive to that, you know. Might be a female Weasley thing. We wouldn't know if that was true, because it's been so long. No one else woke up, though. Ron was out the whole night like he usually is, the twins were fine, and Bill and Charlie were both asleep." After she dismissed it as a coincidence, she immediately forgot about it, though that might have been the fault of a mild Memory Charm. You never know these things for sure.


	3. The Chosen One

None of this is mine except for the prophecy.

THANK YOU to AstoriaGrace, my first reviewer.

Chapter 3, The Chosen One

Harry Potter was not your usual boy. He had a life that others would not want to have, being an orphan. On top of that, was the tiny detail, that he was a wizard. This means he could do magic. His aunt, uncle and cousin did not like magic, and did not grow tired of trying to take it away. As their self-appointed task was impossible, they failed. They kept trying it anyway.

* * *

Dudley's eleventh birthday

Harry's aunt and uncle wanted their son's birtday to be perfect. Naturally, they made Harry do the work.

"BOY! Get out here and cook the bacon!" Vernon yelled.

Petunia then said, "Now, don't you do anything to that bacon."

"Okay, Aunt Petunia."

So, he faithfully went about cooking the bacon as requested. Even though he did it right, his aunt and uncle were suspicious of the as-requested well-prepared bacon.

Later that morning

"Vernon, what do we do with that boy? Mrs. Figg is injured, and everyone else is unavailable."

"We can't leave him here and come back to the house in ruins. BOY! Get over here!"

"Yes, Uncle Vernon?"

"We will take you with us, but if you do any of your freakishness, you will stay in that cupboard until Christmas. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

"Now pack the car!"

Harry did as he was told.

At the zoo

Harry walked over to a window to a room with a realistic fake jungle and a snake who was looking at him curiously. He carefully approached the snake.

" _Hello."_

Harry greeted the dnake, to see what it did.

 _"Greetingsss."_

 _"You can understand me?"_

 _"Of course, you speak my language."_

 _"Would you like a vegemite sandwich?"_

 _"What'sss that?"_

 _"Nevermind, it's something from a song Dudley listen to all the time."_

 _"All right. Could you help me get out of here?"_

 _"I don't know how."_

Just then, an excited Dudley Dursley came running over to the snake exhibit. The snake and Harry looked over in time to see the large boy slap his hands on the glass to stop running. But there was no glass there. Due to Newton's very helpful law of inertia, Dudley went flying into the small room, and splashed into the pond. Harry looked at the snake, who also looked at him, and shrugged.

 _"Thanksss. I do not know what you did, but is most helpful. I hate sssmall ssspacesss."_

 _"Anytime. And I understand the feeling."_

The snake slithered off. Dudley climbed out of the room, and exclaimed, "That was so cool!"

Harry's aunt and uncle did not punish Harry as Vernon said, since Dudley enjoyed what happened, as surprised as he was, but he did go without dinner.

Author's note: Please leave a suggestion or comment in a review. I wrote this extra chapter just because I got a review. It's cheesy, but I can understand why the bigger (aka every other author) authors like it.


	4. The letter

I don't own the people in the story. Ridiculous prophecy? Yes. Crazy story? Yes. Down under, the song I was referencing in the last chapter? No.

Chapter 3: The Letter

June 7th:

"Boy! Bring me the mail!" Vernon Dursley called to Harry Potter, a bit- Ah, who am I kidding- a LOT louder than necessary. It was a wonder that the neighbors didn't hear.

Harry went, and as demanded, got the mail. He noticed one, addressed to Harry Potter. As he was passing by his cupboard, he sneakily slid it under the door, since his aunt and uncle would probably take it away if he showed them. He stole Dudley's report card like that once. That got him into big trouble, because whether it was his fault or not he got punished for it. But it was hilarious.

He dutifully took the rest of the mail to his uncle.

* * *

That night, when he went back to his cupboard, he carefully opened the strange letter.

For a few seconds, after opening the letter, Harry waited, about to read it, since he had a feeling that something would happen. So far, nothing had happened.

Then, after a few seconds-

Nothing continued to happen. So, he finished opening it, and read the letter.

Somehow, the person sending it knew he was in the cupboard, since that's where the address said he was.

 _Dear Harry,_

 _We are pleased to inform you, that you have been accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Opening this letter means you agree to attend school here, starting on September First, 1991. Please arrive at Platform 9 3/4, King's Cross Station._

 _Sincerely,_

 _The Staff of Hogwarts_

All students should have a copy of each of the following:

UNIFORM

First-year students will require:

1\. Three sets of plain work robes (black)

2\. One plain pointed hat (black) for day wear

3\. One pair of protective gloves (dragon hide or similar)

4\. One winter cloak (black, with silver fastenings)

Please note that all pupil's clothes should carry name tags.

COURSE BOOKS

All students should have a copy of each of the following:

 _Standard Book of Spells, Grade 1, by Miranda Goshawk_

 _A History of Magic, by Bathilda Bagshot_

 _Magical Theory, by Adalbert Waffling_

 _A Beginner's Guide to Transfiguration, by Emeric Switch_

 _One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi, by Phyllida Spore_

 _Magical Drafts and Potions, by Arsenius Jigger_

 _Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, by Newt Scamander_

 _The Dark Forces: A Guide to Self-Protection, by Quentin Trimble_

 _OTHER EQUIPMENT_

 _1 wand_

 _1 cauldron (pewter, standard size 2)_

 _1 set glass or crystal phials_

 _1 telescope_

 _1 set brass scales_

 _Students may also bring, if they desire, an owl OR a cat OR a toad._

 _PARENTS ARE REMINDED THAT FIRST YEARS_ _ARE NOT ALLOWED THEIR OWN BROOMSTICK_

Harry was astonished. Witchcraft? Wizardry? Did that mean magic? Or was this whole thing a joke?

* * *

On July 31st, Harry's birthday, in the morning, there was the sound of a motorcycle driving up.

"Dudley, go see who it is!"

"Make Harry do it."

"Harry, go see who it is!"

He went over to the front window, and peeked through the blinds.

"Who is it?"

"It's a large man with lots of hair, and a beard. He seems about 8 feet tall!"

"It had better not be one of those freaks." Vernon muttered to himself.

There was a knock at the door.

"What do you want?" Vernon said, opening the door."

"I'd like teh speak wit' 'Arry."

"Get away from my house, freak!"

"Nah, I need teh talk to 'im. He 'asn't respondid to 'is letter."

"What letter?"

"His 'Ogwarts letter."

"Get out!"

The big man pushed Vernon back, a bit harder than intended, knocking him onto the floor. "Sorry 'bout that. I'm a bit clumsy, sometimes."

Petunia and Dudley stared in shock as the large man somehow fit his way into the house.

"Harry!" he called loudly to the shocked boy watching him. "How're yeh doin'? I haven't seen yeh since yeh were a little baby, all those yers agah."

Harry did not respond, still too surprised.

"Now, come with me. We got some shoppin' teh do."

"For what?"

"Fer yehr school, of course!"

"That was real? I thought it was a joke!"

"No, yeh really are going to Hogwarts. But of course, you know all about it."

Harry shook his head.

"What?"

"I've never heard of Hogwarts."

"What deh you mean?" He asked.

Then he yelled at Harry's aunt and uncle. "Yeh never told him about Hogwarts?!"

Vernon replied angrily, "We will never let him go to that freakish school!"

"Yeh have no say. It's alredy bin dissided."

"I will not allow that freakishness to continue!"

"Harry, come with me, let's get yeh outta here."

"So I'm a wizard?"

Hagrid replied, "Yeah, yeh are. I can't believe Dumbledore said this was the best place for yeh."

Hagrid went outside, followed by a nervous Harry.

Later in the day, the two had almost finished their errands, getting money out of Gringotts, and then buying school materials, and finally getting a white owl Harry named Hedwig. On the way, Hagrid explained to the curious Harry how his parents had been killed, and how he got the scar. The next thing to get was a wand. So, they went into Ollivander's.

"Ah, I was waiting for the day you would arrive."

"I've come to buy a wand, sir."

"Yes, yes, we shall see which chooses you."

"Chooses me?"

"Yes, it's the wand that chooses the wizard, not the other way around."

Ollivander gave him wand after wand, but none seemed right. While this was going on, Harry kept doing strange things, like exploding vases, starting small fires, and other similar things.

Eventually, Ollivander selected a wand from a box in the back.

It worked.

Ollivander was beyond surprised, with his eyebrows nearly jumping off his face.

"Curious..."

"What's curious?"

"That wand... its brother gave you that scar."

"Brother?"

"Yes, your wand's core and the core of that one have phoenix feathers, from the same Phoenix. In wandmaking terms, you have brother wands."


	5. The Weasels?

I don't own nothin'. Wait. That means I own something! YAY! Look, Ma! I own somethin'!

I may do a chapter a day, one every few days, or a couple a day. When I have time, I write. And I'm surprised. I'm getting worldwide views. Thanks, all of you!

Chapter 5: The Weasels?

Following an eventful day of shopping, Hagrid took Harry to Dumbledore's office at Hogwarts. Harry was amazed by his "sneak peek" at the castle.

"So, you say those relatives of his mistreat him?"

"Yeah. They hate magic, yeh know, and they try to beat his out of 'im."

"Harry, is this true?"

"I guess. I never liked it, but I never knew it was wrong."

Minerva McGonagall frowned, not out of disapproval, but of sadness. "May I suggest that he find a different home, Albus?"

"I suppose that would be the wisest choice, at least temporarily. Who do you have in mind?"

"I would say the Weasleys. They are always welcoming to all people that visit them."

Harry interrupted. "The Weasels? I thought those were animals."

"No, Harry. The Weasleys. Weasels are animals, you are correct." Dumbledore replied.

Harry nodded. "Ok. You had me worried for a second."

weasel weasel weasel weasel

Albus told Arthur and Molly, who just arrived through the fireplace in a burst of green flame, "Harry here, has been mistreated by his relatives who denied his magical heritage, and didn't feed him enough, so I was wondering if you would take him in, until the beginning of the school year, so we can solve the problem of his relatives."

Molly replied, "Of course, Harry would be welcome. We try to be nice, not including those twins, and I will personally make sure he will be fed properly. But what is his last name?"

Albus cheerfully replied, "Potter."

Arthur asked Harry, "Are you really?"

Harry nodded and pulled his hair away from his scar.

scarry scarry scarry scarry

Arthur and Molly brought Harry home, and assembled their children that were at home. The youngest, a red-haired girl, was hiding behind Ron. She saw Harry's scar and was hiding.

Arthur began. "Dumbledore asked if we could bring Harry home. We accepted, so here he is. He is Harry Potter-"

They all gasped, except for Harry and Molly.

"He has been mistreated by his relatives, so please welcome him in. He'll be staying in your room, Ron."

Ron cheered.

The two ones that looked like clones looked to each other, as if they were plotting something.

Molly interrupted their plotting session. "Fred, George, be good. DO NOT prank him."

Harry greeted all of them. "Hi, Gred - oops, Fred, George, Ron, Ginny." He looked to each of them as he greeted them.

The twins looked to each other. They were shocked that Harry accidentally guessed Fred's self-assigned nickname. And, on top of that, he called them their correct names, when he was greeting them separately. Everyone else just watched the new boy.

Ginny hid even more behind Ron, but still peeked out at Harry.

Arthur told Harry, "I noticed you didn't have a trunk. Did you forget yours?"

"No," Harry replied. "I don't have one, or anything to put in it, except for my school things."

Arthur said, "Well, that's fine. Ron needs one. He'll be in your year, so you two can go shopping with me."

They went trunk shopping, and bought two plain trunks.

Later, in Ron and Harry's room, Ron asked, "Do you remember anything about what happened with your scar and your parents?"

"Yes, of course I remember. I was a year old, and in the last 10 years, I have gained a perfect photographic memory."

"Really?" Ron asked excitedly.

"No. I don't remember anything but the Dursleys. And green."

"Oh. Okay then." he said disappointedly.

Author's note: The first book will be ending soon, and the second will be Harry's first year at Hogwarts. It'll be longer than this.


	6. Frogs And Friends

I don't own any of the characters, but the odd situations they're in? Me. Well, partially.

AstoriaGrace: Drakie is in this one. Thanks.

Chapter 6: Friends

After a few months of amazement at what magic can do, and incessant questioning about the Muggle world by Arthur Weasley, September First arrived.

Molly guided all of her children, and Harry, through the barrier. "You just walk through, it helps to have a bit of a run going."

They all passed through. When it was time to board the train, Harry asked Ginny, "Aren't you going?"

"No, but I will be next year."

"That's too bad. See you in a few months, Ginny!"

Ron, as usual, was oblivious to this, and was instead wondering if he could get some Chocolate Frogs.

One of the observant twins asked the other, "Isn't it strange he only said goodbye to Ginny? I wonder why."

Both were scheming, but neither thought it could be a joke, or him teasing her, as those same two told him that she had a crush on him. So much for observant. Or at least smart. Aaaaanyway...

Gin-Gin Gin-Gin Gin-Gin

All of the boys got onto the train, with the twins disappearing off to mischief, and Ron and Harry finding a compartment.

Shortly after the two boys found a compartment, the lady with the snack cart came by. "Would you like some candy?"

Harry didn't know what all of them were, but he had a small bag of galleons left over from shopping. "We'll take however much this can buy."

Ron stared at the bag of money as Harry handed it over.

They wound up with the whole cartful of candy in their compartment. As they were enjoying the candy, a girl who had hair, which can only be described as "fluffy" opened the door. "Have you seen a toad? Neville lost his."

Harry answered, "No, but do you wand some chocolate?" He handed her a Chocolate Frog.

"I don't eat sweets. I might be back later, after we find his toad."

"Ok. I'm Harry Potter, this is Ron."

The girl stared, and mumbled something about darkness, and rising and falling. "I'm Hermione."

She then left.

A few minutes after that, a boy who wasn't exactly fit, but nowhere near Dudley, opened the door. "Have you seen my toad?"

"No." Harry said.

"Okay then. See you at Hogwarts." the boy said sadly. "My name's Neville."

"Do you want a Chocolate Frog? It won't replace your toad, but they do jump around."

"No, thanks. You're nicer than most people I've asked."

Thank you. I'm Harry Potter, by the way."

"Wow! Nice to meet you. I'm going to go back to finding my toad."

"That's okay. Bye."

Froggy froggy froggy froggy

"Hey Ron, have you seen these cards that came with the frogs?"

"Yeah, I have a collection at home. Still missing an Agrippa and a Ptolemy, though."

"I got a few. I just noticed they were there. Albus Dumbledore, twice, and some guy named Nichokas Flamel, once."

"Ah, I thought it was strange you would ignore the cards. What does it say on Flamel's?"

Harry checked. "It says he's now 654 years old, and that he's the only known maker of the Philosopher's Stone, whatever that is."

"You don't know what the Philoosopher's stone is?"

"No, but I haven't even known magic was real for very long."

"I guess that's true. It's supposed to make the Elixir of Life, and turn any metal that touches it to gold."

The Philosopher's Stoned The Philosopher's Stoned

"Is Harry Potter in here? There you are. I see you've found a compartment with the weasel." A silver-haired boy said this, as he was opening the door.

Ron asked him, "Is there a line to come and visit the famous Harry Potter? You aren't the first, Malfoy." Ron then stuck his head out the door and looked up and down the corridor to check.

The boy continued to keep up his habitual sneer, so he didn't really react. He turned to Harry. "So, do you want to see how a real family lives?"

Harry noticed that this new boy seemed very arrogant. "If you're the example I have for reference, to this 'real family' lives, no. You don't look like anybody in your house smiles at all. That'd be depressing. But his family took me in, and they're pretty nice." Harry grabbed a candy. "Chocolate Frog?"

The silver haired boy was stunned. Harry took his silence as a yes, so he tossed the frog over. He didn't react, so it hit him in the face. The frogsmacked boy slowly backed out of the compartment, and ran away, leaving the two boys that always were around him to close the door and follow him.

Harry leaned over and picked up the piece of candy. "Looks like it'll be quite the interesting year."

Ron then said, "That was bloody brilliant!"

END OF BOOK ONE

The next one will be longer, but it might take a while to write the first chapter. Please feel free to add suggestions of what to add, funny situations to include, or things I missed. Thank you all! I never knew writing was this much fun!


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